Next time you come into my store looking for perfume, LEAVE YOUR MARITAL ISSUES OUTSIDE.
I'm gonna censor this story the best I can, okay? I apologise in advance for any adult themes.
So it's 8:40 at night and we close in twenty minutes. It's me, my manager and a few customers. This lady walks in all freaking happy as can be and stuff, and she goes, "I'm looking for perfume!" so I directed her to the perfume racks, and as she got there her phone started ringing. So she answers it with a lovely, and I quote, "What the *bleep* do you want, John?"
Now allow me to clarify, it's not as if she said this quietly.
So then John said something and she responded with, "*BLEEP* JOHN. You're not coming home tonight!"
And then John said something and she literally screamed, "WHY DON'T YOU STAY WITH THAT STUPID *BLEEP*."
So then John said something back and she sighed dramatically and was like, "You have FIFTEEN *BLEEPING* MINUTES to get your *bleep* clothes out of MY CLOSET. And you CANNOT SEE THE KIDS."
So at this point it was kind of funny in a disturbing way and I was laughing so hard I was about to cry. But at the same time it was upsetting because there were KIDS IN THE STORE.
And then she said, "It has been like this ever since we were dating!! It was always on again off again and you cheated on me every FUCKING WEEK."
So then John said something and she said, "TOO *BLEEPING* LATE. I ALREADY TOLD THE KIDS HOW MUCH OF A CHEATING *BLEEPING* SCUMBAG *BLEEP* SUCKER THEIR DAD IS." Exact words. Swear to God.
So then John said something and the lady goes, "It's none of your *bleeping* business what I'm *bleeping* buying you *bleep*! As far as I'm concerned, we're not *bleeping* married anymore!"
So now my poor manager is checking the lady out while she's cursing out her husband over the phone. I felt really bad at this point because mothers were quite literally covering their children's ears. No joke.
And then John said something really long and she said, and I quote, "YOU CAN TAKE THAT FAKE APOLOGY AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR HAIRY *donkey for all intents and purposes*. JUST LIKE THE *blanketyblankblank." I appreciated the Mean Girls reference.
So her whole rant ended in her screaming that she wanted a divorce and she left the store.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR ISSUES AWAY.